5/19/2006

Red Ensign Standard #42:
Life, The Universe and Everything


Don't Panic

Red Ensign Standard #42: Life, The Universe and Everything



Don't Panic:
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It is perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. It is more popular than The Celestial Homecare Omnibus, better selling than 53 More Things to do in Zero Gravity and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, which cannot be mentioned here for religious reasons.
The Guide has already supplanted the Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom for two important reasons. First, it's slightly cheaper. Secondly, it has the words "Don't Panic" printed in large, friendly letters on the cover. This has proven to be the source of its success, since the galaxy, Iran and more particularly the raving idiots in it, often give the average individual plenty of plots and things to panic about.


Vogons:
Vogons are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry again and again, lost again and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. They spend a lot of money, especially on rubber stamps, paper clips and useless programs. They can't think or imagine. Most can't spell. They just run things.


Zaphod Beebelbrox, only Not as Cool:
Galactic President Wannabe Jack Layton was quoted today as saying "In the name of people, and freedom, and uh, democracy and stuff like that I hereby emasculate myself, and I'm taking the trannies with me. I've chosen a third way. So should you!" Layton is universally considered to be the dimmest star in several solar systems is most famous for his controversial surgery at the Shouldice.


Babelfish:
The Babelfish is small, yellow, leech-like and probably the oddest thing in the universe. It feeds on brainwave energy, absorbing unconscious frequencies and excreting a matrix of conscious frequencies to the speech centers of the brain. The practical upshot of this is that, if you stick one in your ear, you instantly understand anything said to you in any language. How you deal with what is said to you, however, is another matter entirely. It has been found that many people prefer not to use the Babelfish, as they are unable to handle any opinions of others that may differ from their own. Dictators and the CBC are particularly bad for this.


Point of View: Guns
The Point of View Gun does precisely what its name suggests. That is, if you point it at someone and pull the trigger, they instantly see things from your point of view. It was designed by Deep Thought, but commissioned by a consortium of intergalactic angry housewives who, after countless stupid arguments with their husbands, were sick of ending those arguments with the phrase "You just don't get it, do you?"
Sadly, no one in Canada owns one, at least not a registered one. If they did, it seems likely that the former Liberal government would not have wasted so much taxpayer money on what everyone else thought was an utterly useless and very expensive project.


The Planet Builders:
Did you know there is a race of beings that used to build planets? Oh yes, endless fun they had. But then the galactic economy collapsed, mostly due to the rich people wasting their money on ineffective environmental improvement schemes. Bloody hacks. Should have left it to the professionals. Planets are extraordinarily resilient, and people never do as much damage as they like to think. Anyways, seeing that custom-built planets were a bit of a luxury commodity and no one was investing, the builders moved on to more mundane tasks.
Like patent trolling.
Frightfully good pay, you know.


Life:
There's not much to say about life in this edition of the Standard. A few people had some kind words to say about their mother's, but that's all.


Everything:
Everything is a pretty big topic. You just won't believe how incredibly, hugely big it is. It's also pretty varied. It covers everything from whining actors to watches to Monty Python and the Celts. Everything has even been known to include tidbits on How to Motivate Your Kids, Web Addiction, and the occasional piece of poetry. Unfortunately for Jay, everything does not include his exodus from the Red Ensign.


The Universe:
Sorry. No Universe today. No towels either.



So long.
And thanks for all the fish.


Previous Red Ensign Standards

  1. Castle Argghhh

  2. Raging Kraut

  3. The Last Amazon

  4. Bumfonline

  5. Tiger in Winter (now blogging at Tiger in Exile)

  6. Taylor and Company (no longer online)

  7. Myrick

  8. Bound By Gravity

  9. Dust My Broom

  10. Ravishing Light

  11. Babbling Brooks

  12. Musing

  13. Freeway to Serfdom

  14. Nathan’s Updates From Seoul

  15. Striving Against Opposition

  16. The Phantom Observer

  17. Abraca-Pocus!

  18. Tipperography

  19. Turning 30 and a half

  20. Canadian Comment

  21. London Fog

  22. The Monarchist

  23. West Coast Chaos

  24. A Chick Named Marzi

  25. Raging Kraut

  26. Robot Guy

  27. The High Places

  28. The Last Amazon

  29. Robot Guy

  30. Quotulatiousness

  31. RootleWeb

  32. Gen X at 40

  33. Quotulatiousness

  34. The High Places

  35. RootleWeb

  36. The Phantom Observer

  37. West Coast Chaos

  38. Minority of One

  39. Dust My Broom

  40. Taylor & Company

  41. Raging Kraut

7 comments:

The Brigadier, Red Ensign Brigade said...

Brilliant. I love it.

More! More! ;-)

GenX at 40 said...

Well done!

Temujin said...

Well Done!

Paul MacPhail said...

Not to worry about Jack!,he's mostly harmless.

MapMaster said...

Wow, what a tremendous amount of work and creativity you put into the project. I third the "Well done"!

Aeneas the Younger said...

How does one join the Red Ensign Brigade ? redtoryglory.blogspot.com

Aenes the Younger ...

Ruth said...

Aeneas, please send me an email at rootles @ gmail . com and we can discss it.

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